The Voices Aren’t in My Head

I’ve seen psychologists and psychiatrist for over a decade now, but I’m finally starting to realize that I’ve never actually needed them. I’m not going mad, depressed, or anything for that matter. I’m simply a person who has a very stressful fucking life who lives in a household with a husband and two children who do not respect me. They don’t intentionally do it; it happens because I allowed it to happen for so many years without speaking up for myself; I was too fucking submissive. I got lost in this world of “good mother and wife” that failed to stand up and say “what the fuck? I matter too”. I was too busy focusing all my energy making sure that their lights of life were shining bright that I didn’t even realize mine was being robbed of all its life force. I had vanished. I ‘ve changed so much from who I was that I don’t even like myself anymore. I’m not talking about physical appearance, of course that has changed, but my personality, my interest, my passions, and goals I’s all gone. 

This sounds so cliché. Maybe I’m having my midlife crisis already, but if that is what this is then I welcome it. I’m tired of always taking the hit for the team and saying that I’m having psychological issues. No, I’m not having psychological issues, I’m just surrounded by assholes that don’t give a fuck about me even though I’ve sacrificed my whole life for them. I won’t through my son into the same basket though, he is not guilty by association, it’s only my husband and my daughter that have not sympathy or empathy for what I do for them. My son, he is my only sunshine in this hell that I call home. 

My home is not the physical abusive type of home. There are no drugs, alcohol, internet porn, or infidelity. We are pretty stable nuclear type family. We eat all of our dinners together, we spend most of our free time together, and I can count on one hand how many major arguments we have in a year, but we are still dysfunctional. My daughter who is almost thirteen has ADHD, and my husband does as well. My son has a touch of a depressive mode so he is more like me, but he also has a little ADHD (without the behavioral issues we experience with our daughter).

I can’t really put my finger on what makes this home so bad. Maybe it is my MED student husband who is constantly feeling the need to micromanage every single thing everyone does in the house, or my daughter who thinks that everything is a debate and that she has this god given right to argue about we tell her to do. Or maybe it’s just a matter of being broke all the time since both my husband and I are students, income is not strong in the home, in fact it is almost non-existent. Being older students with children on very fixed small budgets is very challenging, and stressful. In a few years I’m sure I’ll look back at all these blogs and laugh at how mad was about such trivial issues. It’s just a good way to vent I guess.